⚖️ The One Thing I Learned During the Most Hectic Bit of My Life
Productivity or No Productivity, That is the Question.
I am not a productivity expert.
If that is what you want, there seem to be quite-a-many out there, so please do take a peek at someone who may be able to give you professional guidance.
That being said, I recently entered my 40s and am a firm believer that wisdom is collected with age. Here is my sage advice, coming to you from nothing more than an AA in Communications, 12+ years of motherhood, existing as a certified human, and my collective life experiences.
Like most of us on this planet, I have been on a journey. I have been on many a journey (hence the name of this publication), some completed, some still being traveled.
I have battled and overcome postpartum depression, battled and learned to manage severe anxiety, and battled medical gaslighting until I was able to confirm that No, I am not crazy, I actually do have PCOS.
But the journey I am referring to is my personal, internal struggle to
stop
doing
so
damn
much.
I married in 2010 and became a mother in 2012. I doubled that (the mother thing, not the marriage thing) in 2014.
I had this picture in my mind about the mother I wanted to be. Maybe it had something to do with one of my favorite suspense thrillers1 I watched when I was younger, The Client.
At the end of the film, the main character’s mother, Dianne Sway, talks about having a walk-in closet and joining the PTA, something she hadn’t been able to do given their previous circumstances.
Perhaps that’s when the seed was planted in my mind of being the ultimate mom: joining the PTA.
No matter what type of mother you are, you will lose yourself for a bit. The “bit” is a span of time unique to each person. Yes, it does start because of the sleep deprivation, but even after your kids begin to walk and talk and sleep, you have to continually adjust to this brand-new self of yours.
Becoming a mom not only changes you physically2 and emotionally3, but also—I don’t even know what to call it because it could be different for each individual. Spiritually? Soulfully?
A mini version of yourself has emerged from your womb, and though you just met them, just looked into their little eyes and held their little hands and tickled their little toes, you love them more than anyone you ever possibly could. You would die for them, kill for them, and complete acts that you never would have contemplated doing as long as it guaranteed their safety in an otherwise unsafe situation.
So, yes, it is easy to get lost in the parental ether.
Therefore, you have to go on a path of rediscovery, because your life simply is not the same as it was before children. Before children, you could do whatever the fuck you wanted. You didn’t have to worry about nap times or playdates or school schedules. If you do have the tiniest inkling of wanting to do whatever the fuck you want post children, you have to worry about child care, both its coordination and its funding.
For me, the bit of time for self-rediscovery went like this:
2020-2023 is a blur of time that was both condensed and elongated. A time full of anxiety and grinding. Any significant moments I had for myself or family members, outside of my children’s birthdays, I have no recollection of and have to look through my photos on my phone to understand what I was doing at the time. This is probably a trauma response, but it’s fine.
If you’ve been following me for longer than a few weeks, you may recall 2023 was the year I picked up my pen and put it back to paper, and 2023-2025 has been when I really felt like I was back on track to knowing myself again, realizing and refamiliarizing with my desires outside of being a mother.
It only took a decade.
This is not to say that my desires for my family are not relevant, that the desires for myself and the desires for my familial unit replace one another at any given moment.
They can be separate: I can have my own personal goals; they can be joined: my personal goals help me to be a better member of my family.
You know, like men have always done.
If you look at my timeline from 2017-2019, it is obvious that I was taking on too much. It’s easier when you look at it spelled out in an infographic like this. (Highly recommend!)
It was a very hectic period of my life.
It was hectic because I took on too much while thinking I was doing less.
Less than other moms.
Less than my husband.
Less than I expected of myself.
I took on an MLM because I thought it was my calling. My answer to my desire to stay home and make an income with something that brought me joy.
I took on my job as an administrative assistant because we needed the money (surprise surprise, the MLM wasn’t cutting it).
I took on the PTA because I wanted to fulfill the dream of Dianne Sway and be what I understood a good mom looked like.
I took on Girl Scouts because I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t say no to the flyer my daughter brought home in her backpack. I couldn’t say no when the troop leader insisted we join anyway, regardless that the troop was already over capacity. I couldn’t say no when the troop needed a cookie coordinator and no one else would volunteer. I couldn’t say no when the troop leader had to leave their position and needed someone new to take their place. And I couldn’t say no when my youngest child needed someone to create a new troop for her in order for her to join.
My life was hectic because I was
always
r u s h i n g .
The one thing I have learned from that very hectic period of my life:
If you are always rushing, you are doing too much.
I repeat in a block quote for emphasis:
If you are always rushing,
you are doing too much.
When I thought I had to take on everything to be of value, everything was back-to-back-to-back-to-back.
Get the kids readyDrop them offMaybe eat breakfastDefinitely have coffeeSend that room parent emailBuy the groceries and the teacher gift and the birthday gift for that one party your kid was invited toMaybe have lunchDefinitely another coffeeShow up for your MLMPick up the kidsGive them a snackTake them to the troop meeting then the cookie boothFigure out dinnerMaybe eat dinnerToo late for coffee but maybe wine?Try to clean upBut you’re too tired to clean up so sit downThen get back up because the cat coughed up a hairballAnswer the Girl Scout text chainAnswer that room parent emailAnswer that MLM question you were asked on InstagramGet the kids ready for bedSpend TV time with the husbandGet yourself ready for bedLook at your phone until you pass out from revenge sleep procrastinationSnooze your alarm too many timesRepeat.
The only thing that cannot be demonstrated in the above paragraph is how frazzled, overwhelmed, and rushed we (but mostly I) were every single moment of the day, which led to yelling at the kids when they became slugs as we were getting our shoes on, getting short with my husband for the most minute of reasons when going over schedules, ignoring my body when it was screaming for help as I served everyone else but myself, and so on.
I would like to take this time to thank my therapist for being one of the pillars that held me up during this dilapidated era of being Rachel.
Volunteering is a good thing; I’m not negating that. But if you are in a constant state of rush, something needs to be let go of to make space for peace and claim some balance.
You don’t have to make it work with an MLM because they feed you promises to give you the life you crave. If you have more money going out than coming in, it’s not the solution.
You don’t have to be the room parent. Someone else will likely take the role. Even if they don’t, teachers have survived without them before. Having a room parent is a privilege, not a requirement4.
You don’t have to make up the difference when your child’s troop, club, etc. has a gap. If you’re already rushing to get everything done as it is, you don’t have to step up just because you’re “already there.” Someone or something will adjust, and it will work out.
The universe has a way of restoring balance when it has been thrown off.
Maybe we need to stop rushing, take a breath with that extra space we create by doing less, and do as the universe does and restore our own balance within ourselves.
This Month’s Free Journal Jot
Instead of a journal prompt, I’m linking the template for the Self-Rediscovery Life Bit infographic.
Whether you are a parent or not, reflect on a period in your life in which you had to pivot and familiarize yourself with your true desires. Think about how you want your life to look versus how it was looking at that time. If you believe you are still in your Self-Rediscovery period, think about how you want your life to look versus what it is looking like now. Print it out and fill it in or do it digitally on Canva.
Self-Rediscovery Life Bit template: Edit on Canva
Self-Rediscovery Life Bit template: Printable
the best way to describe parenting
I don’t care what other people say, there is no way you can convince me that our bodies are able to “bounce back” after giving birth. Our insides are rearranged and then re-rearranged, and that does things.
thank goodness we have taken leaps and strides in this
I understand that this may cause feelings of conflict due to the ridiculously low rate at which our country pays our teachers, but parents do not need to be exploited as volunteers to make up this difference. It’s not our fault.