This is memoir. It reflects the authorās present recollections of experiences over time. Some names and characteristics have been changed, some events have been compressed, and some dialogue has been recreated.
I was usually more nervous in situations like these. I was going to ask a question in front of one of the larger convention rooms over 3/4 full of people.
The panel was awesome, full of women of an array of ages and backgrounds, who all had accomplished success in entertainment and media.
The panel had originally sparked my interest not only because it was 100% a panel of women, but because the blurb of what the panel was to discuss mentioned dealing with ageism.
Yes. I need to hear that.
I am by no means old. At the time of the convention and of writing this, I am freshly 39, not yet even near 39 and a half.
But I got back into this writing game in what the American culture has made me come to feel is late in life, making me feel slightly panicked, as if I need to hurry up and viscously doggy-paddle against the current to catch up so Iām not so behind, even though there is a lot of evidence that this is not true1. But my imposter-syndrome seeps in strong, trying to find any way to convince me that Iām not where Iām supposed to be, doing what Iām supposed to do.
āNever think that you are too old.ā
One of the panelists stated this firmly into her microphone during the middle of the discussion. All the women presenting were absolutely gorgeous. This woman was darker: dark hair, deep tan skin, and an accent that my memory canāt place, but I can only describe it as a much milder version of Sofia Vergaraās.
This is it, theyāre going to talk about ageism and the struggles women have with it.
But then they didnāt. Somehow the conversation got transitioned to another subject, and although the panel was great and fun and enriching, I felt a bit lacking.
So, when the Q&A portion opened up, I was the first to the microphone. I was slightly nervous, but I was surprised that I wasnāt as much as I thought I would be. My heart wasnāt racing, my hands werenāt sweating, and my tongue didnāt get stuck in my mouth. I donāt know what kind of reassurance I was looking for, but I needed these professionals to tell me about women and ageism.
āI appreciate your comment about never thinking youāre too old,ā I began, gesturing to the beautiful dark woman who had stated it. āBut I wanted to know what challenges you all may have faced in terms of ageism as you have progressed through your careers, because sometimes I worry that I may be getting too oldāā
āYou think youāre too old?!ā The woman on the far left interrupted.
Flattered and amused, I erupted into nervous chuckles. Iām not sure, because of the nerves, but I think chuckles waved throughout the rest of the audience, too.
The woman who interrupted me was definitely the eldest of the panel, having been around long enough to write for Murder, She Wrote. She was beautiful; her hair was white and gray, some waves of it falling around her face, the rest of it pulled back into a loose ponytail at the nape of her neck. She looked cozy in an orange knit sweater, and her skin, untouched by makeup that day, was clear and glowing, sagging in all the right places from gravity pulling on it over the years, light wrinkles showing off the laughter and smiles she had experienced over her time here as a human, but otherwise smooth, and plump and youthful.
Coming down from the laughter, I spoke into the microphone, āOh no, now I forgot the rest of my question.
āBut yes, sometimes I feel like I may be getting older and it will impose some challenges. What challenges, if any, have you all faced, and how did you overcome them? Because I also feel like women are more susceptible to ageism than men.ā
I should have specified that I was mostly concerned because I was getting started later in life, not in my 20s like you see all the super successful break-through stories of the women in movies and TV shows: The Emilys in Paris, the Legally Blondes, the Andy Sachs. You donāt see shows about that kind of thing for older women, except for Younger, but she literally had to act like she was in her 20s to reenter the workforce.
The eldest spoke up first, making it clear that she got started at a younger age and already had her foot in the door for most of her career, but shared a story of when she had to make a pitch to a team of all white men even after she already had a full and impressive resume.
āI could tell as soon as I walked into the room that they were not going to listen to anything I had to say, and I was thinking, āWell, this is going to be a waste of our time.ā But I just moved on and focused on the next thing, the next step. Thatās all you can do.ā
Then a woman whose beauty shone through her cute glasses and long, luscious curly brown hair named Tilly, who I later learned is trans, spoke up.
āRemember that everyone has something that they feel can work against them, whether itās age, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, etc. because there are people that are going to try to work against them. You just have to find the good people to work with, and let all of the others fall away.ā
(This is my summarizing, and I beg you to please not quote me on their responses, but these are the gists of the things these women told me, what I walked away with that day and have carried with me ever since.)
I thanked them and returned to my seat, where my Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them Loungefly mini backpack was waiting for me, my lanyard flapping underneath my denim jacket adorned with enamel pins below the lapel.
When the panel ended, I got up and headed to another beautiful woman who was a featured speaker. She had specifically told everyone in the audience that if they needed to reach out to her to network, to get her business card. So, I made sure to do just that.
I have always been the worst at networking. Introverted, shy, and whatever else you can pile on that makes people freeze up when they have to approach a stranger to talk to them, even a kind one. Whatever it is, I have it. Most of the time I just didnāt feel like it.
I donāt want to talk to people I donāt know; I can just figure it out by myself.
Sure, I could, but it would take a lot longer and make things only more difficult. And how lonely that is. People are not meant to go at it alone, no matter how hard some of us (šš»āāļø) may try.
So, I went up to collect the business card from the editor-in-chief of FanBase Press. I had a Substack and a podcast and I write stuff that I want people to read. Let me share it. I made business cards just for moments like this.
āOh, hi!ā
She was wearing a mask that day, so I couldnāt see most of her face, but her eyes shone bright and brown and smiling, unobscured by her cute, short, brown pixie cut.
āThank you so much for your question,ā she continued.
We swapped cards, and I saw that her name is Barbra. As we said our good-byes, she being swamped by other audience members, another woman caught my eye as we headed out of the room.
She was an audience member, not part of the panel, and very pretty. She was a black woman with basically flawless skin, and long, expertly woven braids that ran past her shoulders to her mid-back, even after being halfway pulled back at the top of her head. She was mostly dressed in black; a woman after my own heart.
āThank you for asking that question,ā she told me as we walked out.
āOh sure!ā I responded, because it felt kind of weird saying, āYour welcome,ā as if I had asked my question to be amazing and awesome and righteous, even though it would have been a completely reasonable thing to say.
āI wanted to ask the same thing, so when you asked, I sat on the edge of my seat and was like, āYes! That!āā
We giggled and launched into a conversation about our own insecurities about feeling ātoo oldā to begin doing the things that we feel passionate about doing. Although she looked like she was around my age, I found out she was actually a decade older, and she also was writing a book, very similar to mine, but so very different. I shared about how I was writing about past crushes and what Iāve learned from them, and she shared that she was writing a graphic novel about her and her boyfriend, their meet cute, and beyond.
This was one of my favorite connections I have made at WondeCon ever (besides meeting my writing buddy; whoāsā sitting beside me right now). We talked for at least fifteen minutes and could have talked for hours more, but we each had engagements we needed to get to.
āIt was so nice to meet you, Rachel, and thanks again for asking that question.ā I said it was nice to meet her, too, and I gave her my card in an attempt to keep in touch. I should have gotten her information, because I never heard from her, and I would have really loved to connect again.
āBarbraās legit,ā she had said to me before we had parted ways. āIf she says sheās going to help you, she will. Reach out to her for sure.ā
āI will.ā
Less than two weeks later, I opened my newly created ābusinessā email (see how imposter-like I still feel? I canāt even write ābusinessā without quotation marks), and was pleasantly surprised to find an email from Barbra. I didnāt even have to reach out; she did it first.
She offered a helping hand, and I responded with much gratitude, simply asking if she had any advice for getting more eyes on my work.
In a reply I never could have anticipated, she offered me a written interview, which could be published after I had concluded the rebranding of my website and social medias.
And here we are, the beginning of June2 and one professional interview more than at the beginning of 2024.
Iām proud of the work I have done, and I donāt just mean my writing, though I am. I also mean working on myself, trying to network, making business cards to pass around to connections I made at WonderCon even though I feel like Iām not ābig enoughā to have business cards. Or even a website for that matter? But I do, and I did it, and Iām glad. I havenāt even mentioned how I attended WonderCon by myself the past two years. No one would go with me, so I was like, āFuck it. I like my own company. Iām a goddamn adult; Iāll do what I want!ā And Iām proud of that, too. Five years ago, my crippling anxiety would have immediately ruled that possibility out.
Iām proud of my work even without views. Itās continuous and ongoing. Even when itās done, itās not. And itās a piece of my heart and soul.
I would still very much like to share my writing, though, but I still canāt get eyes on it, even after the interview. If you, Dear Reader (yes, I watched BridgertonāIām allowed to engage my inner Whistledown), could share this with at least one person, one place, one thingāany noun of your choice, actually, I would be grateful. It is a definite free way to help support me, this little baby Whistledown in getting her own writing enterprise circulated and talked about.
Thank you for reading, and of course, if youād like, here is the link to the interview: FanBase Press Interview.
Just look at this quick Google search. These are bigger names, but there is probably other evidence out there showing how non-celebrities do it, too. I just donāt have time to research that right now.
Remember when I was talking about how I couldnāt believe I was already planning for summer? Wasnāt that just, like, last week?!